Voices In My Head

***Hi All, so there will be more Vietnam to come, I can’t not tell you how I may have gone a little over board when having clothes made for me in Hoi An or how a woman shoved meat skewers into my mouth, vegan doesn’t translate in Vietnamese. But I thought I would get some up to date blogs posted. So stay tuned.

Voices were pounding in my head, news feed after news feed all the reporter could do was talk of death, remembrance of those we had lost and constant cut ins with presidential address updates. More images, the President speaks, and then we jump back to the morning news show and some man is jumping around with the newest dance moves, while everyone else is painfully trying to imitate him. My head was spinning; this was my introduction back into US news and television. I’d been home for a week but my assimilation process was a slow one. When I walked off the plane in Los Angeles and through customs I wanted to kiss the ground, what can I say being abroad has both negative and positive affects on your beliefs of you own country. But reading the customs sign Thank You and Welcome to the United States had me brimming with joy. When the customs agent asked, “why were you traveling in India, Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam?” I smiled and said, “I was trying to figure out my life.” Ok yes the smile held a hint of sarcasm and my response earned me a confused look, but then he said, “welcome home,” and it felt so right.

So after the tearful embrace and love from my parents and Lulu I was whisked home where I enjoyed a veggie meal and after 30 hours of travel and very little sleep I fell into bed ready to crash for what I had hopped would be about two days worth of shuteye. Lying in bed wide-awake at 3 am I realized it was going to take time to adjust. So after a week of very little interaction with the outside world I decided to watch my favorite morning news show, Good Morning America with my favorite morning news anchor, Josh Elliott, he is just so dreamy, gotta love those really tall men. Dreamy-ness aside, I was overwhelmed by the images, sounds and entertainment. As I tried to process the fact that my travels had sealed me in a bubble of protection from all things US, my protective layer was now popped. First realization, I’ve missed a lot; see, I used to have a reputation of being the entertainment queen, ask me a question about Hollywood I could tell you who, where and when. Now I was at a loss, but the weird part was I wasn’t that concerned about getting caught up. Instead I became completely overwhelmed with questions of my own unsteady future, as well as images, media reports and social media updates of injustices of the present. While abroad there were many behaviors I experienced that I had to accept because this was “their” culture. Well honey not anymore this is my culture and I was blatantly aware that everything was wrong. All of this culminated into a completely irrational battle of wills in my head. As I drove along trying to process all of these emotions and thoughts I realized I was surrounded by silence, there was no honking, no chaos, and no people. I realized that I while the chaos of the streets, sounds and experiences of South East Asia were gone, I now was facing a new chaos. While the world around me was no longer new and unknown, the chaos was now in my mind and I didn’t know if there was anyway to be free of it.

At that very thought, I realized that the chaos in my mind was all self induced. A major theme in the yoga philosophy is to gain purification through the mind with the right attitude. In yoga attitude is acceptance, and a major part of acceptance is that we need to understand and accept what we can and cannot control. I cannot change the world around me; I cannot change the way that my neighbors treat their neighbors (figuratively). All I can change and control is myself. So first things first, maybe limit my television news time. While I can’t become ignorant to what is happening in this world, I can be more particular about where I get my information from. Second, I can take a breath, relax, and maybe take another breath, and then smile, because I’m home.

 

Sapa Enlightenment

I don’t know whether it is the fresh mountain air, the energy coursing through my veins from the exercise of the hike or just the majestic waterfall in front of me, but all I can do is smile and enjoy everything that surrounds me. It was a moment of peace heightened by my euphoric state of mind. As I was taking in the view I realized that there seems to be some amazing order to the way in which I planned my travels. With each destination I’ve learned something new that benefits my experience in the next country.
I am amused by how in love I am with the surroundings of Vietnam. I can’t help but wonder if there was a greater power who helped in designing my itinerary to get me to this point of elation. India showed me chaos and garbage that has yet to compare to anything I’ve ever experienced. Thailand showed me the kindness of scam artist and taught me to be polite but not naive. Thailand also taught me to book my room ahead of my arrival, even just by a day or two so that you are not bombarded and overwhelmed by the chaos at every airport, bus station, train station and port, by people trying to lure you into their hotel, dive shop or taxi. Cambodia taught me that a smile with a no thank you is all you need, and that the begging is apart of the countries struggle.

Therefore life in Vietnam has been easy. While my time in Sapa was surrounded by local village woman trying to hoc their wares, I realized that again they are just trying to make a living. It’s funny, they have the same speech planned out for every tourist they meet. I heard it over and over again I begin to wonder whether they just have a script to follow or whether they actually know what you are saying. But it goes like this, “Hello, what is your name, where are you from, did you arrive to Sapa today?” No matter who you run into this is the routine. While I was hiking alone I would be approached by these woman asking the same questions and I would answer and then as they continued to walk with me. I explained that they are more then welcome to join me but I had already done all my shopping and therefore I was not going to buy anything else. There responses varied from “But you haven’t bought anything from me” to “ok, maybe you buy something later.” And yes while this is more of a hindrance then anything else you can’t let it affect you. You can either play along and interact with them or you can firmly say no thank you and continue on.

So my travels have led me to a more calm place. While the occasional bump in the road has taught me many things, I have to wonder whether I would be having the same experience in Vietnam had this been my first destination, because guess what I am in love. This country is so spectacularly beautiful and the people are wonderful, inviting and kind. I am so grateful for all I’ve learned along the way because even if my time in Vietnam is seen through rose colored glasses, I’m just thrilled that I can say that I’m enjoying my time here.

Holy Hanoi!

Vietnam, a country that fills the pages of our history books with controversy and images of death that were the first to be viewed so regularly without censorship on the nightly news. This was how my generation was exposed to this period of our history. We were taught that Vietnam was a war with many different stories and sides and no real victor in the end. Other than my history education and the fact the the country is still communist today I really had no way to gauge where I was traveling. I’d heard many people exclaim how much they had loved their visits. But I had read many blog postings of travelers who fell victim to scams and whose trips were ruined by these experiences. Originally I chose this country because of it’s mystique. The pictures of scenery and culture where so stunning and yet antique as if the culture was trapped in time. And therefore I added it to the itinerary with hopes to experience the same charm and vibrance that radiated from the photographs.

For the first time arriving at the airport I wasn’t full of travel anxiety which I had continually experienced upon every other arrival, maybe I was becoming an old pro. As we started our drive into the city the chaos of traffic settled into a familiar rhythm I have grown accustomed to in this part of the world. The life of the city blurred into my view. My guide gave me some specific advice based on the area and pointed out various landmarks on our drive to the Old Quarter. As we passed a auto accident on the road she informed me that there were about 30 deaths daily due to the traffic and drivers inability to follow road rules. The chaos of the road didn’t fully sink in until a loud thud reverberated throughout the car. Looking around to see what we had just hit I realized the passengers side mirror had collided with a pedestrian crossing the street. The driver barely glanced in his rear view mirror to make sure the pedestrian was ok, and we continued on without pause. Looking behind me with fear and shock I realized that the pedestrian wasn’t too concerned either and continued across the street. I then realized I was again in a world so unknown to what I have possibly missed the most about the United States, order. As I sat in my hotel room I knew I could stay in this air conditioned safe haven or I could enter the chaos and explore this world. Going for the ladder I entered into the streets of Hanoi cautiously looking in all directions knowing my pedestrian status meant very little.

In the maze that is the Old Quarter of Hanoi I blindly wandered the streets on a food mission. Realizing on the plane that not only was there not a vegetarian option but that the salad that accompanied the meal was covered in meat, I knew that my Vietnam food adventure may include some unintentional animal products. But as I wandered through the streets this woman came up to me. Those look like doughnut holes, you can’t go wrong there, I purchased the three different types and immediately begin to sample them all. The darker of the three was the most sweet, with a sugary center. The other two were surprising, a subtle balance between savory and sweet. It may have been hunger or relief that there wasn’t pork filling, but I was content with my first purchase.

My next food stop introduced me to the newest love of my life… Vietnamese coffee, heaven on your taste buds. Vietnam is one of the largest coffee distributors. The Vietnamese tradition is to mix the coffee with sweetened condensed milk. I ordered an ice coffee with just a small amount of milk and I was in caffeine heaven. Every sip was strong and powerful, full of bold flavors I was so happy to be in the presence of real coffee once again.

When it was time for dinner I was on a street food mission looking for something authentic. Finding a kitchen with communal tables I sat in confusion not knowing whether someone would be taking my order or just bringing me food. I found someone who spoke a little English enough to understand that I wanted the noodle veggie concoction without meat. I was brought this, Bun Cha, usually it is sliced pork served with thin rice vermicelli noodles, a heap of fresh herbs and green vegetables, in a bowl of lightly sweetened nuoc mam (fish sauce) with floating slices of pickled vegetables. My order arrived without the meat and I dug into this new find, my culinary delight cost me a grand total of two dollars.

With some food success under my belt or in my belly I felt a little braver to explore the streets further. Wanting a sweet to end my night I found a smoothie shop. I ordered a papaya fruit shake and sat on these little benches that line the streets usually indicating a restaurant space. There I rested and savored all of my day. Thinking about how far I had come from my first introduction in Delhi. It’s amazing how quickly you adapt to your surroundings, I feel like a seasoned travel pro and yet my travel time is quickly coming to an end.

During one of my days in Hanoi I ventured outside the city for a day trip to the Perfume Pagoda, an amazing complex of pagodas and Buddhist shrines built into the karst cliffs of Huong Tich Mountain. Not only was the temple in the mountains and truly spectacular, but the ride to get there consisted of a hour boat trip paddled by these woman who seemed to poses supper power and strength. Then a hike to a gondola which flew you over the valleys and mountain scape to the top. The views and colors of this country are breathtaking, bright green rice fields, lime stone rock features and brown thick rivers flood every inch of view. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On my last day I decided to devote an entire day walking around the Old Quarter of Hanoi, a intricate stream of alleyways and roadways weaving around and around. I tried to follow the Lonely Planet’s walking guide, but realized within minutes that like everything else in the Old Quarter chaos seemed to control the roads and I couldn’t distinguish one way from the other. So my walking tour turned into a eating tour, attempting to sample my way through the day I tried various street foods. The highlight was the bia hoi, Vietnamese draught beer or microwbrew. Brewed without preservatives this light bodied pilsner is meant to be consumed immediately and costs about twenty cents a glass. The beer was refreshing and there was some flavor to it so I didn’t feel as if I was drinking some light American beer. Bia Hoi shops occupy many street corners in Hanoi, again with the little plastic stools and you see then men enjoying the beer together at the end of the day. 
My day ended with another trip to my new found favorite restaurant. Knowing I can get good street food with no meat, I’ve returned to this place nightly. There is just something about the warm noodles and broth mixed with the veggies and herbs, it feels so fresh but filing at the same time.

And with that I said goodbye to the chaos of Hanoi and realized that while the streets are insanely, overly crowded, and the cars and bikes are all consuming, there is something about the energy of this city that makes you smile. Maybe it’s the fact that in the hectic mess of life they have a system that works so well.

All My Bags Are Packed… But I’m Not Sure

So my travel time has come to an end and I’ve been trying to process my feelings. I’ve really been all over the board of emotions. Pure elation at the thought of seeing my family and friends. Feeling their hugging embrace, I’ve missed hugs. Seeing my beautiful baby Lulu whose face is on every iProduct screen I own. And of course the creature comforts that the US holds, hair products, bagels and tofutti cream cheese, the cold bite of autumn air that indicates a change in seasons.

But my travels have changed my life, I left as a cautious, high maintenance by choice woman and I’ve laughed in the face of bed bugs, cockroaches, muck slick streets and who knew, but I may be the better for it. A deeper analysis of how this has affected me is to come but for now I am most focusing on the transition.

Life is about to change and while in Hoi An I was slapped in the face by everything that I had left behind and everything I was hoping to change. Its truly my fault I stated to think about bills, mortgages and money and then came… resumes, cover letters, applications, searching, searching, searching. I screamed at my self “WAIT, your in Vietnam and your consuming your time with all of this.” So I am obviously having a internal struggle. Half of me is frantically racing through employment listings trying to find the perfect future for myself and the other half of me is shaking her head fuming because I am waisting what little time I have in my last week focusing on the future and not being present.

What is a girl to do. I know I am about to face a huge transitional shift between this leisurely life of travel and exploration to a life of income, mortgages and calendar updates and I don’t know what to do. While I am anxiously awaiting wearing a pair of jeans and some type of footwear other then my rusty now dusty Keens, I also feel the anxiety boiling in my stomach fearing, “what if I’m not happy?” Life on the road has not been easy, but its been the most rewarding time of my life. How do I transition that feeling of fulfillment into a life dictated by “grown-up affairs”.

I read through my notes from the ashram and found this little quote from Mata Ji ” Does wealth lead to security, no, those who are wealthy have the most to lose. The baker gets a good nights sleep because he has nothing to lose.” Yes while I know consumerism and business would laugh in the face of this philosophy it actually made me smile. I knew right then that money can’t dictate my life. Yes while I need some to survive, and I’ve made financial commitments to people and institutions therefore I need to uphold those contracts, I can’t let money be the reason for work, career and life. It has always stressed me out, and I just want t good nights sleep. This may be naive, but right then and there I shut off all my searching and headed into town to enjoy my last few days. 

And so here I am, I am freaked out about heading home, while a loving embrace will make tears spill out of me, I also have no idea how this transition is going to go. While I don’t think this trip was a way to run away from my past. It was a way to leave it all behind and get perspective. The perspective I got was life changing I just don’t know if it translates in to US living. So there you have it, I will walk on the plane with excitement that keeps me from sleeping, but anxiety of what lays ahead. I just need to remind myself to “be the baker.”

En Route Mid Air

I’m interrupting my chronology of events by giving you all a update on my current travels and whereabouts. I am about two weeks behind on my posts but get ready they will be coming over the next week daily. Currently I am en route to Vietnam for my last two weeks of travel. With that comes the realization and acceptance that heading home is just around the corner.

It is amazing what a hot shower and shaving your legs for the first time in two weeks can do for your state of mind. While I am eagerly looking forward to my hair straightener, make-up and non-travel clothing and footwear, this lifestyle of “non-vanity” has been a time saver. But when you are covered in bruises, remnants of blistered bed bug bites and a head full of frizzy hair, you start to miss the comforts and beauty regimes of home.

In the last couple of days with Britta (my friend from Chicago who has joined me for two weeks) in Thailand’s southern islands my heart was weighted with sadness as I realized that my time with my travel companion was rapidly coming to an end. The comfort of traveling with a friend gave me a confidence in exploring and interacting with our surroundings that I hadn’t had in Cambodia. I was sad our time was ending, I was sad that my trip was beginning it’s final leg and I was starting to feel the stress that my return trip held within it. Not the travel, but the reality that this “travel freedom” is in it’s final chapter and it is now time to embrace life and my responsibilities in the US. Most importantly the question of what my career holds for me. Feeling a suffocating panic with these thoughts I tried to push them from my mind. But I realized that embracing these fears and accepting them for what they are is a better way to handle the stress. 

What I have learned about solo travel is that while you have the ability to go with the wind, eat, sleep and be however you want without having to check in with others it is also a lonely experience. Not in a bad way, but you experience everything by yourself, which leads to many funny conversations with yourself. Myself and I will be even closer by the end if that is possible. Needless to say I am about to enter two weeks of solitary travel and while I was first saddened by this I have now come to embrace the freedom it offers and spend the time focusing on what’s next. Don’t get me wrong I have met wonderful people from all over the world while on my own. I find doing day trips and classes is the best way to spend time with strangers, but after being with my Chicago comfort for two weeks I now know it is not the same. While it is nice to not have to consider someone else’s needs while you travel, it is not as much fun to laugh by yourself, eat by yourself, or even experience new worlds by yourself. Knowing this would I have changed my mind about my travels? No. While alone may be an entirely different experience, it does teach you a lot, and you do become stronger and more independent for it. Therefore I woke this morning clean from my shower with silky soft legs and a feeling of excitement as I venture into the final chapter of this journey.

I have said from the beginning that I didn’t want to focus on the future that awaits me back home for fear the stress would somehow ruin my present experience. But the thoughts of “what is next” are never far from reach and I have started to brainstorm a plan for my return. While I am not ready to put my thoughts in writing, I do realize that much of my fear about the future lies within the fact that I will be taking risks and starting new things. But with great risk comes great reward, right? While my greatest fear is failure itself, I have learned that if I accept failure like I accept success I won’t have anything to fear. Maybe that is what this trip has taught me, that even when the road is bumpy, full of tears and bruises and blisters I still seem to learn and gain more then I ever would had I stayed in the comforts of my air conditioned Chicago condo.

Thoughts to work on and process while we land into my final country and leg of my travels. Now its time to send you back a couple of weeks to my Cambodian experience, one part of my journey that was full of many bumps.