13 in 2013

Well Hello February. My first realization of 2013 is that I am becoming the queen of the unfinished projects. Sticky notes with never ending to-do lists are strewn around my apartment and unfinished blog posts seem to be filling my computer files. When I left my old job to take time to travel I realized that everyday life’s schedule, repeating over and over, surprisingly leaves little time to do new things. There is so much comfort in what we know, but, I’ve found when you break away from that daily routine to learn and feel so much more. Not always positive, but it brings awareness to who you are. My New Year’s resolutions are a combination of activities and conscious moments. Being home I’ve realized that my comforts have limited my conscious perspective. Therefore I’m adding them to my Resolution list so I am ever so aware and with hopes of gaining new perspective, which was easier to obtain while traveling abroad.

I was so excited to ring in 2013 with hopes that it was going to be a wonderful year. I don’t even really know what gave me that hope. The big 30 celebration this year which is looming over my shoulder seems to be more powerful than I thought. I know I wrote “Age is just a number” but there is something about this year that has a power over me… makes me a little crazy, sometimes irrational, but excited as well. I have come up with a 13 to do in 2013 (in no particular order) and I am going to use Prue.Simple.Bliss and you all to be my witness so that I can follow through:

1. Run Hood to Coast Relay: This just happens to fall on my big 30 weekend, but my sister and brother-in-law talked me into it so watch out Oregon here we come!

2. Complete my first Marathon: I have wanted to do this for a while and with training to run a relay two months earlier I figured why not, Chicago Marathon 2013.

3. Make every recipe in the cook book Forks Over Knives: I’ll get into more detail about this soon, but so far I’ve learned some amazing cooking tricks and my belly has been very satisfied.

4. Add into my yoga practice Head Stand: This is a combination of fear and strength, two things I am happy to work on.

5. Add into my yoga practice Hand Stand: See above

6. Complete my yoga teacher training certification: I am well on my way and will have updates soon. Currently I am in the middle of our anatomy section, after getting over the “gross-ness” of the descriptions I can’t believe how intricate, strong and yet fragile the human body is. Maybe if we were all a little more educated we would realize why we need to take better care of ourselves.

7. Try to learn to appreciate meditation: For a mind that is always on go I cherish the moment I can sit and focus and clear my mind.

8. Start up and cultivate my Yoga Gives Back project: Again a realization I had a while back, one of those unfinished blogs, but I will post more soon.

9. Set a new half marathon PR: Number 5 will hopefully give me a new PR.

 

10. Finish my travel writing about Vietnam: These pictures should say enough.

 

 

11. Challenge myself outside of my comfort zone: While traveling I was constantly challenging myself, and in the end I really liked the person who came out of every challenge. I want to find a way to keep cultivating this growth without having to leave the country.

 

(Trying some type of herb wrap to bring good fortune in Vietnam)

12. Learn what it means to be content: An idea that is both scary and foreign. As American’s we are taught to go for the goal, be number one, constantly competing. While I value our ambition I don’t know if it leads to happiness. It’s a theory that needs some work, but I want to know if it is possible to be content and yet still motivated in life.

13. Have fun dating: uh… er… ah, dating blows, I love when people who are off the market say, “oh I loved dating I’m so jealous that you can still do that”. I pretty much want to give that person the finger. But you know I need to change my perspective and get out there. One of my friends jokingly said “you could blog about it.” Well maybe I will! Yesterday I was looking at a profile the guy said “Loves: Meat, vegetarians and vegans need not apply.” If only they could all be that honest!

 

Leaving Corporate America

“Constant practice alone is the secret of success.”¹

What is success? In life, in love, in careers, we all have our own understanding and definition of success. For myself success used to be equated to financial stability. It was important to me in those early years to stand on my own and be employed, climbing the corporate ladder and being showered with pay raises, bonuses, profit sharing plans and positive reviews from upper management. When I made the conscious decision to quit my job I knew I was most likely leaving all that behind.  I’ll be completely honest with you, everyday I weigh the pros and cons of financial stability with my current situation and time and again the current wins, but it is a continuous debate I have. That’s probably because my current situation is one influx, but after living abroad for 9 weeks this is what I have learned about myself, success to me is happiness and contentment of my mind, body and spirit, a balancing act between all areas of my life. So as of September 15, 2012 I began my year in pursuit of happiness.

With no real direction I had to think about the different areas of my life for which I had passion and use these passions as markers to begin my exploration:

1. Food, I love cooking, but I have always been concerned that if I took my passion for cooking and turned it into a career I would get burnt out. Not to mention I have no professional experience and my only semi-restaurant experience was being a counter server at the clam shack on Cape Cod for two summers in high school. So with that I’ve taken a chef’s assistant job at the Chopping Block, a recreational cooking school for the home cook.

“The yogi understands the faults of others by seeing and studying them first in himself. This self-study teaches him to be charitable to all.”²

2. Yoga, while my time at the ashram was challenging both mentally and physically,

it has been the one area of my trip I am constantly referring back to, whether in my writing, my personal thoughts or advice given to others. Therefore I applied and was accepted to the Moksha Yoga Teacher Training program. While I don’t know if teaching is for me, the spiritual and philosophical aspects of yoga have had such a positive effect on me. Therefore I want to dedicate my time and energy exploring these studies.

“He knows that his life is linked inextricably with that of others and he rejoices if he can help them to be happy.”³

3. Helping Others, traveling abroad gave me perspective that I was blindly unaware of prior to my travels. What resonated with me most was the fact that people were so enamored with the United States and the symbol of success and prosperity that it meant to them. I’ve taken for grated how much my homeland has provided for me. But on my return I was shown that while our country does provide many opportunities for some, there are so many others left behind. Equal opportunity has been a fighting slogan in our country from its origin. So cherishing that ideology I want to work in non-profit to help individuals in my community reach their goals and dreams.

“Love begets courage, moderation creates abundance and humility generates power.”⁴

The year has begun, and with two of the three areas of my adventure underway I am learning new things daily. It’s interesting that I had to leave the country, entering a new world completely outside my comfort zone to prepare me for a year of challenges back home. While I’m surrounded by things I know, my experiences daily are so drastically different that I still feel like I am in a foreign country. I remind myself that if I could survive riding a bike through rush hour traffic in Delhi India, I can survive Chicago. For the time being I’m looking and applying for non-profit jobs and learning what it means to live on a tight budget. I know I will miss the financial comforts that came from my corporate job, living on a restricted budget will be one of my greatest challenges. I know it sounds spoiled and consumerist, but I recognize that I have been very fortunate to have lived the life I had. My restricted budget is to teach me that living within your means and not being consumed with wants will only help strengthen my ability to be content. I’m ready for the challenge and I have a feeling that the stories and struggles that come from it will be enlightening.

“Without experiencing human love and happiness, it is not possible to know divine love.”⁵

 

 

¹ BKS Iyengar. Light on Yoga. Harper Colins Publishers, 2008. 30.

² BKS Iyengar. Light on Yoga. Harper Colins Publishers, 2008. 27.

³ BKS Iyengar. Light on Yoga. Harper Colins Publishers, 2008. 32.

⁴ BKS Iyengar. Light on Yoga. Harper Colins Publishers, 2008. 29.

⁵ BKS Iyengar. Light on Yoga. Harper Colins Publishers, 2008. 35.

Voices In My Head

***Hi All, so there will be more Vietnam to come, I can’t not tell you how I may have gone a little over board when having clothes made for me in Hoi An or how a woman shoved meat skewers into my mouth, vegan doesn’t translate in Vietnamese. But I thought I would get some up to date blogs posted. So stay tuned.

Voices were pounding in my head, news feed after news feed all the reporter could do was talk of death, remembrance of those we had lost and constant cut ins with presidential address updates. More images, the President speaks, and then we jump back to the morning news show and some man is jumping around with the newest dance moves, while everyone else is painfully trying to imitate him. My head was spinning; this was my introduction back into US news and television. I’d been home for a week but my assimilation process was a slow one. When I walked off the plane in Los Angeles and through customs I wanted to kiss the ground, what can I say being abroad has both negative and positive affects on your beliefs of you own country. But reading the customs sign Thank You and Welcome to the United States had me brimming with joy. When the customs agent asked, “why were you traveling in India, Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam?” I smiled and said, “I was trying to figure out my life.” Ok yes the smile held a hint of sarcasm and my response earned me a confused look, but then he said, “welcome home,” and it felt so right.

So after the tearful embrace and love from my parents and Lulu I was whisked home where I enjoyed a veggie meal and after 30 hours of travel and very little sleep I fell into bed ready to crash for what I had hopped would be about two days worth of shuteye. Lying in bed wide-awake at 3 am I realized it was going to take time to adjust. So after a week of very little interaction with the outside world I decided to watch my favorite morning news show, Good Morning America with my favorite morning news anchor, Josh Elliott, he is just so dreamy, gotta love those really tall men. Dreamy-ness aside, I was overwhelmed by the images, sounds and entertainment. As I tried to process the fact that my travels had sealed me in a bubble of protection from all things US, my protective layer was now popped. First realization, I’ve missed a lot; see, I used to have a reputation of being the entertainment queen, ask me a question about Hollywood I could tell you who, where and when. Now I was at a loss, but the weird part was I wasn’t that concerned about getting caught up. Instead I became completely overwhelmed with questions of my own unsteady future, as well as images, media reports and social media updates of injustices of the present. While abroad there were many behaviors I experienced that I had to accept because this was “their” culture. Well honey not anymore this is my culture and I was blatantly aware that everything was wrong. All of this culminated into a completely irrational battle of wills in my head. As I drove along trying to process all of these emotions and thoughts I realized I was surrounded by silence, there was no honking, no chaos, and no people. I realized that I while the chaos of the streets, sounds and experiences of South East Asia were gone, I now was facing a new chaos. While the world around me was no longer new and unknown, the chaos was now in my mind and I didn’t know if there was anyway to be free of it.

At that very thought, I realized that the chaos in my mind was all self induced. A major theme in the yoga philosophy is to gain purification through the mind with the right attitude. In yoga attitude is acceptance, and a major part of acceptance is that we need to understand and accept what we can and cannot control. I cannot change the world around me; I cannot change the way that my neighbors treat their neighbors (figuratively). All I can change and control is myself. So first things first, maybe limit my television news time. While I can’t become ignorant to what is happening in this world, I can be more particular about where I get my information from. Second, I can take a breath, relax, and maybe take another breath, and then smile, because I’m home.

 

All My Bags Are Packed… But I’m Not Sure

So my travel time has come to an end and I’ve been trying to process my feelings. I’ve really been all over the board of emotions. Pure elation at the thought of seeing my family and friends. Feeling their hugging embrace, I’ve missed hugs. Seeing my beautiful baby Lulu whose face is on every iProduct screen I own. And of course the creature comforts that the US holds, hair products, bagels and tofutti cream cheese, the cold bite of autumn air that indicates a change in seasons.

But my travels have changed my life, I left as a cautious, high maintenance by choice woman and I’ve laughed in the face of bed bugs, cockroaches, muck slick streets and who knew, but I may be the better for it. A deeper analysis of how this has affected me is to come but for now I am most focusing on the transition.

Life is about to change and while in Hoi An I was slapped in the face by everything that I had left behind and everything I was hoping to change. Its truly my fault I stated to think about bills, mortgages and money and then came… resumes, cover letters, applications, searching, searching, searching. I screamed at my self “WAIT, your in Vietnam and your consuming your time with all of this.” So I am obviously having a internal struggle. Half of me is frantically racing through employment listings trying to find the perfect future for myself and the other half of me is shaking her head fuming because I am waisting what little time I have in my last week focusing on the future and not being present.

What is a girl to do. I know I am about to face a huge transitional shift between this leisurely life of travel and exploration to a life of income, mortgages and calendar updates and I don’t know what to do. While I am anxiously awaiting wearing a pair of jeans and some type of footwear other then my rusty now dusty Keens, I also feel the anxiety boiling in my stomach fearing, “what if I’m not happy?” Life on the road has not been easy, but its been the most rewarding time of my life. How do I transition that feeling of fulfillment into a life dictated by “grown-up affairs”.

I read through my notes from the ashram and found this little quote from Mata Ji ” Does wealth lead to security, no, those who are wealthy have the most to lose. The baker gets a good nights sleep because he has nothing to lose.” Yes while I know consumerism and business would laugh in the face of this philosophy it actually made me smile. I knew right then that money can’t dictate my life. Yes while I need some to survive, and I’ve made financial commitments to people and institutions therefore I need to uphold those contracts, I can’t let money be the reason for work, career and life. It has always stressed me out, and I just want t good nights sleep. This may be naive, but right then and there I shut off all my searching and headed into town to enjoy my last few days. 

And so here I am, I am freaked out about heading home, while a loving embrace will make tears spill out of me, I also have no idea how this transition is going to go. While I don’t think this trip was a way to run away from my past. It was a way to leave it all behind and get perspective. The perspective I got was life changing I just don’t know if it translates in to US living. So there you have it, I will walk on the plane with excitement that keeps me from sleeping, but anxiety of what lays ahead. I just need to remind myself to “be the baker.”

Age Is Just A Number…

Age is just a number but I will say 29 held some pressures that I didn’t fully know how to process until today.

“Why is 30 such a big celebration for western cultures?” Hmmm how to answer this question for an entire culture without pigeon holding us all into one category. I smiled as my cooking instructor asked me this question. She had waited until the woman who was turning 30 had left the class I think trying to be polite in case my answer was too personal. “Well I can’t answer for everyone, but my opinion of the 30th birthday celebration for western cultures is because this is a transitional time in our lives where we end the youthful confusion that our twenties presents us and enter into a age of responsibility and maturity.” I gave some examples to go along with my definition, such as the fact that usually around 30 people begin to settle down, gain job security, get married, have babies, buy houses, etc. But I reiterated that this was just my opinion, and then laughed and told her that, not only had I just quit my job/career but that I was very single and not anywhere near ready for children. I do own a home so at least one item on my check list is accomplished.

So now I have officially entered into the last 365 days until the big 3-0 and that pressure I mentioned earlier has completely faded away. While my description for 30 had some of the stereotypical expectations that come with the age, being here and following my own path has made me realize that I can be happy not following the flock. I laugh when I meet people along the way, I usually get asked if I just graduated university hence why I am traveling, I smile hoping that my youthful looks are what prompted that question rather then people just trying to be polite, but tell them no I quit my job and I’m traveling. This answer doesn’t get looks of horror or shock, usually I get congratulations and words of encouragement.

With no pressure I rang in 29 alone, but with much love coming state side. You all have been so supportive and the words of love made me feel as if you were all just down the mountain from me. Yes I have left sea level and climbed about 5,000 feet to a town called Sapa in the northern region of Vietnam. I am surrounded by lush mountains and cool air, a tropical version of Park City, so I am in heaven. For the birthday celebration I awoke from a restless night of sleep on a train that hurtled me from Hanoi up to Lao Cai, which is about an hour from Sapa. The night train was a first for me and an experience to say the least, not a restful night of sleep, but no real horror stories to report. When I arrived at my guesthouse I was beyond pleased with my room and the decor. I enjoyed a couple of doughnut holes I had bought from a street vendor in Hanoi and fell asleep for an hour. Then it was time to hike down the mountain away from Sapa, through the rice paddies to the little villages below. The decent was a slippery, muddy nightmare. Flanked on all sides by local H’mong tribal woman I was anxious that I would either fall in the mud or fall off the side the of the mountain. And then a small hand with a strong grip grabbed me and proceeded to lead me down the mountain. Her name was Hi and while she may have been 90 pounds she became my walking stick and balancing aid for the decent. Her strength was shocking and she kept me on my feet which was a true talent. I tried to explain to her that I was naturally clumsy as we were walking on a balance beam of mud between different rice paddy fields. She just smiled and kept asking if I was ok.

My birthday ended with a cold beer, tofu, a almond tart, and a amazing night of sleep in the cold mountain air. I know not the extravaganza I am used to having for a birthday celebration, but a nice way to ring in a new year and a new chapter in my life. Now I believe that age is just a number and it is what you do for yourself and the people around you during that year that matters most.

En Route Mid Air

I’m interrupting my chronology of events by giving you all a update on my current travels and whereabouts. I am about two weeks behind on my posts but get ready they will be coming over the next week daily. Currently I am en route to Vietnam for my last two weeks of travel. With that comes the realization and acceptance that heading home is just around the corner.

It is amazing what a hot shower and shaving your legs for the first time in two weeks can do for your state of mind. While I am eagerly looking forward to my hair straightener, make-up and non-travel clothing and footwear, this lifestyle of “non-vanity” has been a time saver. But when you are covered in bruises, remnants of blistered bed bug bites and a head full of frizzy hair, you start to miss the comforts and beauty regimes of home.

In the last couple of days with Britta (my friend from Chicago who has joined me for two weeks) in Thailand’s southern islands my heart was weighted with sadness as I realized that my time with my travel companion was rapidly coming to an end. The comfort of traveling with a friend gave me a confidence in exploring and interacting with our surroundings that I hadn’t had in Cambodia. I was sad our time was ending, I was sad that my trip was beginning it’s final leg and I was starting to feel the stress that my return trip held within it. Not the travel, but the reality that this “travel freedom” is in it’s final chapter and it is now time to embrace life and my responsibilities in the US. Most importantly the question of what my career holds for me. Feeling a suffocating panic with these thoughts I tried to push them from my mind. But I realized that embracing these fears and accepting them for what they are is a better way to handle the stress. 

What I have learned about solo travel is that while you have the ability to go with the wind, eat, sleep and be however you want without having to check in with others it is also a lonely experience. Not in a bad way, but you experience everything by yourself, which leads to many funny conversations with yourself. Myself and I will be even closer by the end if that is possible. Needless to say I am about to enter two weeks of solitary travel and while I was first saddened by this I have now come to embrace the freedom it offers and spend the time focusing on what’s next. Don’t get me wrong I have met wonderful people from all over the world while on my own. I find doing day trips and classes is the best way to spend time with strangers, but after being with my Chicago comfort for two weeks I now know it is not the same. While it is nice to not have to consider someone else’s needs while you travel, it is not as much fun to laugh by yourself, eat by yourself, or even experience new worlds by yourself. Knowing this would I have changed my mind about my travels? No. While alone may be an entirely different experience, it does teach you a lot, and you do become stronger and more independent for it. Therefore I woke this morning clean from my shower with silky soft legs and a feeling of excitement as I venture into the final chapter of this journey.

I have said from the beginning that I didn’t want to focus on the future that awaits me back home for fear the stress would somehow ruin my present experience. But the thoughts of “what is next” are never far from reach and I have started to brainstorm a plan for my return. While I am not ready to put my thoughts in writing, I do realize that much of my fear about the future lies within the fact that I will be taking risks and starting new things. But with great risk comes great reward, right? While my greatest fear is failure itself, I have learned that if I accept failure like I accept success I won’t have anything to fear. Maybe that is what this trip has taught me, that even when the road is bumpy, full of tears and bruises and blisters I still seem to learn and gain more then I ever would had I stayed in the comforts of my air conditioned Chicago condo.

Thoughts to work on and process while we land into my final country and leg of my travels. Now its time to send you back a couple of weeks to my Cambodian experience, one part of my journey that was full of many bumps.

Elephant Enlightenment

As I said goodbye to the elephants tears sprung to my eyes. I was surprised by this emotional response because as much as I loved my time at BLES I was ready for a little R&R and a well needed day at the spa. But despite the permeant dirt stains and collection of mosquito bites, my stay has taught me so much about animal rights, about my self and about determination and goals. Katherine has taught me a great deal about failure, life and success. The funny and “un-human” part about Katherine is that she does not want any of her story to be the focal point of what she does. She wants the elephants and their lives and struggles to be the main characters of this story. While the elephants are magical and definitely show stoppers, Katherine’s story of persistence really inspired me. The emotion and passion that she has for her elephants, her mission and her family is endearing. Every time she tells a story of one of the elephants you can see the emotion in her eyes and hear it in her voice, she may be telling a story for the 100th time, but with each tell, the raw emotion and feeling still exist as if it were the first time.

At the ashram during my philosophy class I wrote three notes from one lecture: – Work hard give 100% to whatever you do. – Let the results take care of themselves. – Don’t sit ideally by and think because it is my fate it will happen to me. One must work hard for ones fate to come true.

Currently its a “mosh posh” of ideas but Katherine is the perfect example of taking risks and working tirelessly for your passions and your fate. While BLES may have started out of tragedy it took all of her strength and support from friends, family and animal lovers to get to where she is today. If you believe we are all meant to do something on this planet, well Katherine has found her calling. She followed her passion, ignored her fear and although today and every day presents some type of struggle, she knows she is where she is meant to be. And so while I am still looking for my “calling” I’ve learned from Katherine not to be scared to pursue my passion, not to be hindered by fear, rejection or defeat. And with hard work and determination true success can take form. (Picture to the right, Lotus had a bit of a scratch. Photo below Katherine, her assistant Fa and baby Aaron with me and the three other guests, Amy, Maureen and Becci.)

Two Weeks To Enlightenment?

As my time at the Ashram comes to an end I am trying to find words and meaning to describe the experience. My sister and I were skype-ing earlier this week and she said “are you having fun?” My reply was, “yes of course, I mean it’s not like cocktail party fun, but I’m enjoying myself.” The slight reservation you may hear in that answer is that while at times I was completely elated and energized, there were other times where I was overcome by emotion. When you are left alone in silence with your thoughts you may be amazed at what emotions come forward.
We were taught that yoga is a way of life, through the physical and mental practice you find balance with the ultimate goal being self knowledge which is called enlightenment. My physical practice while being here has improved. I had taken about a six month break from yoga prior to coming to India; running was my priority when it came to exercise and I never found a yoga studio I was drawn to. Naturally thanks to my amazing genes (wink, wink dad) I am as stiff as a board, but practicing twice a day has really helped. I’ve also noticed that with my morning pranayama practice (breathing) and stretching, sun salutations and asanas (poses) I’ve found a very gentle yet extremely effective way of waking myself up. I have not had coffee in almost three weeks and I have had no need for it. But, sorry mom, the 5:30 am wake up call is just not my thing, I am so grateful that that will be ending! My goal is to practice everyday on my own, it will take commitment and time, but I would hate to see this wonderful base that I’ve started be wasted.
The mental practice of yoga was so much more then I ever expected. I came to the ashram wanting to find a stronger physical practice and work on meditation with the hopes of calming my mind. What I got instead was a spiritual awakening, I know what you may be thinking, no I won’t be chanting “Hare Krishna” any time soon, although wait until you hear some of the other chants I’ve learned! But in all honesty, thinking about my spiritual beliefs and what relationship I am looking for with God and religion was the furthest thing on my mind. While I feel that this door has just barely been opened through this experience, I am excited to explore these areas and spend time figuring out what I need for myself when it comes to a spiritual practice.

So was enlightenment obtained, no, but we were taught that to obtain enlightenment one has to have complete self knowledge. The ultimate goal through the journey of life is to obtain knowledge of the self, so I have a ways to go. Humbly I smiled the first time I heard our teacher Mataji explain self knowledge, because I believe that this trip is the start of my journey for exactly that. So while enlightenment wasn’t obtained in my two week stay, I do feel as if I am on the right path. Through philosophy class I have been given many ideas and thoughts to play around with in pursuit of my own journey.

In the end I realized that while I may have had some restless nights due to my hard bed, the food may have been lack luster, and naturally I wanted to cry when my alarm went off in the early dawn. All of that is so much more than many people ever have in India and even back in the US. I like to joke about my living conditions because I’ve been so blessed to live a very comfortable life. But so many in this world have so little. Seeing these images reminded me of how grateful I am for everything I have been given. One step to knowing yourself is to accept all that comes to you with grace (prasada). So with grace I accept what I’ve learned about myself and I head out to my next destination to continue this process and maybe get one step closer to enlightenment!